I’ve been noodling about what two friends shared with me recently (on top of Carl’s question on Tuesday about how I felt about this year). They explained how when they first met me, I came across as put-together and polished, someone who always has a plan. And other adjectives and qualities that are very embarrassing to have explained in a weird kind of third person conversation to which the subject is privy.

I have been replaying this and wondering what makes me itch about the whole thing. I think I’ve got it down to this: What does it say if people’s first impression is one of a somewhat impenetrable and put-together person? It helps with business, where I use it to help people look past my baby face. 

But it’s not very human stuff. And it’s not me. I think.

That’s what I’m wondering about. If I appear to be the person with all or most of the answers, then I wonder if I am taking enough risks. If there is no risk, there’s probably not enough learning going on.

I’ve heard people talk about failure as learning in public. I think I need more chances to do that. And it’s not that I haven’t “failed” by the more traditional standards of others. I’ve seen ventures I love fall apart. I got divorced. Carl and I bought a house and realized it wasn’t right for us and took the hit to make it right. I once forgot to check the mail at work for a long time and made Gretchen promise to never trust me with that again… have me write proposals and messaging all day long, but good God, don’t trust me with a PO Box.

But maybe there’s a difference between mistakes and course corrections and all out, heart-on-the-line, speaks-to-my-reason-for-being trial and error. And that’s probably the edge I haven’t fully approached yet…